One of the ways I like to start out couples counseling is by asking a couple how they met, and what first attracted them to each other. Often times, you actually get a glimpse of the romance and passion that was once there. Usually, you at least get someone to tell you a good number of attractive character traits that they saw in their partner. People typically remember finding someone very funny, or being impressed with how smart they were, or finding them extremely attractive. These were all the foundation of the first love, so these traits are important.
I will ask people to tell me why and how they knew that this other person was going to be The One. This is another way to get married partners to say nice things about each other. Of course, at the time they come into my office for couples counseling, they want to end every positive statement with the inevitable, “But they aren’t that way anymore.” But it is very helpful to get partners to list and remember and attend to the positive traits that they believed their partner had at one time.
If I’m lucky, I will be able to point out that the same trait they liked back then is still visible and present, but it looks different. For example, a wife that really liked how her husband had goals and was a reliable worker, miriage find it annoying that her husband is a workaholic. This is the same trait! Or a husband that liked how much fun his wife was when they dated, now may complain that his wife is too distracted with social responsibilities or obligations. This is also the same trait, but in a different environment, different setting, different presentation.
Another good question for the beginning of marriage counseling is to ask couples where they got their ideas for what a good marriage would look like. Did they see their parents’ marriage as the ideal? Did they base their relationship on a neighbor couple? Or maybe they saw a couple on TV that made things look blissful. Often times, couples will realize that they have no idea what a good couple is really supposed to look like. We can compare to some of our friends, but if they are close friends, then we know that things are not always blissful and easy for them. And if they are not close friends, then we know that we have no idea what their real relationship actually looks like. It is very helpful for marriage counseling for couples to recognize that their ideal expectations may not be actually realistic for today’s marriages.
Back in the old days, there were clearly defined roles and responsibilities, and today’s marriages are combining and sharing more evenly in a lot of different areas. This means there is more input being given, and not a clear delineation of power and who is in charge. This causes more cooperation and collaboration, but might also result in extra conflict.
Being able to tell the difference between our ideals and the potential real expectations will help set unique goals for each couple, at different phases of life. Life is a very fluid, constantly changing environment, and the responsibilities and expectations will be changing all the time. Ideally, my goal is that when couples are sitting in their rocking chairs out on the porch in their golden years, they will feel like they gave and got pretty fairly. But that may not be the case on a random Wednesday, or even a random year. So, keeping score early is not very helpful!
